An Open Letter to the Girl Scouts of America, re: Fire Safety

Posted: September 30, 2010 in Early sobriety
Tags: , , , ,

Dear GSA,

Thank you for inviting me to be a Girl Scout Leader or Assistant Leader for the local elementary school troop down the road.  While I do realize that without parental support and, as your recent e-mail phrased it, “someone to step forward” in a leadership position, my daughter (ever so keen to wear that sash!) may not have a troop, I must respectfully decline your request.

I know, I know.  You’re saying to yourself:  “but gee whiz!  You no longer drink a quart of liquor a day!  Your shakes have subsided.  Your insomnia is under control.  You’ve done your best to sit in a circle with other drunks and admit your powerlessness over alcohol.  You can go hours at a time without your brain inadvertently planning your next drink.  We need fine, upstanding members of the community like you leading our girls to a better appreciation of themselves, their community, and their environment.”

Please, I’m blushing! Stop with the compliments! 

Let me put it in terms you will understand:  whether I am passed out on the couch after a bender or soberly organizing my personal library, I hate other people’s children.  I hate them when they come over to play.  I hate them when I have to attend school functions or (god forbid) birthday parties.  As a child myself I hated babysitting–damn the money, I’m not spending five hours playing with some snotty six-year-old’s saliva-covered Strawberry Shortcakes for anything!

I should add that chronic irritability and depression are not merely common but inevitable during the first month to year of sobriety.  The math looks like this:

(Chronic Irritability + Existing Snarkiness + Hatred of Others’ Spawn) X Others’ Spawn = Probable “Accident” During a Well-Meaning Fire Safety Demonstration

Now, if you’re looking for someone to put together a Girl Scouts Anonymous meeting, I’m your woman.  You know, get together a few recovering Juniors and Cadets… we could all sit in a circle… “Hi, I’m Jenny, and I’m a Girl Scout.  It’s been four weeks since my last Girl Scout meeting…”  We wouldn’t sell your cookies, but we’d sure as shit eat them.

Just because I’m sober for today, doesn’t mean that Ty Pennington has been over to give me an Extreme Drunk Makeover.  The foundation of my core personality is still there, even if I do have to demolish the nasty shack my addiction turned the house into.  So, by way of closing:  Thank you GSA for helping me remember the difference a little.

Warmest Regards (and keep those cookies comin’!),



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